head cold

i finally received word from the travel-writing post i applied for.

"We have shortlisted only 4 candidates and unfortunately you are the 5th."

*weeps*

this whole unemployment thing is really bugging me. job-hunting after grad, it was difficult enough to determine what sort of work i could get with my background in social science. it was a constant question even when i was still studying but i stuck with it because i enjoyed most of what i was doing (what other course requires you to have fine dinners, sniff cigars and sample wine?). but as i grow more anxious to get my butt out in the real world (i.e., work), i feel more and more lost.

that and the FSO test results are still not out.

what is one to do when one loves: art (visual, literary, culinary), travel, culture (anthropologically speaking), research and study (in a knowledge-hungry sort of way), and relating to people (diplomacy, service, etc.)?

during my senior year in high school, i went to a career exploration trip of sorts to PGH. i had been somewhat torn between law and medicine (doing both would take too long) but being an x-files fanatic pretty much tipped the scales. while we were at the emergency room, a little boy died even as the attending doctor tried to save him. his mother began to wail and the doctor proceeded to move on to the next patient.

i tried to forget about the dream of becoming a doctor. i felt that i could not handle the emotional stress, inevitable as it is in such a practice. as much as i wanted to help people in what for me was the most tangible expression, it was something i was and still am not sure i have the strength for.

i still feel that call. but i don't know what road to take to go to where i want to be.