disturbed

i had a strange dream.

i was in college all over again but the school looked more like assumption. and i wanted to go home. desperately. so i called him.

he said he couldn't come and his tone sounded exasperated. all i could do was cry.

then, i woke up.

. . .

the first thing that one should know about love is that it doesn't always feel good.

i know because i've hugged many a distraught friend. i know because sometimes i hide tears in my pillow at night. and no matter how familiar the pain may be, it always hurts.

yet how many of us continue to love, despite pain?

. . .

what ateneans know but don't always realize:

Love is not effortless.

To the contrary, love is effortful.

By the use of the word "will" I have attempted to
transcend the distinction between desire and action. Desire is not necessarily
translated into action. The desire to love is not itself love.

Love is as love does.

Love is an act of will - both an intention and an
action.

Will also implies choice. We do not have to love.

We choose to love.

- M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

love seemingly makes masochists of us all. i don't know why. i don't think anyone knows why.

. . .

the night before we left for baguio, we watched closer on dvd.

very heavy. very disturbing. it reminded me of kundera's identity. i wanted to cry.

The Blower's Daughter
Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

. . .

"but i don't want to find somebody new."

"then, don't."